


Hell Week

by KatLady04



Category: Naruto
Genre: Bros before homicidal maniacs, Gen, Humor, I Don't Even Know, TWT, au-ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-15
Updated: 2014-10-15
Packaged: 2018-02-21 06:37:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2458448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatLady04/pseuds/KatLady04
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Naruto has to get Sasuke away from the village before dawn. Hell Week takes pity on no man.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hell Week

Warnings: Language, implied violence, squicky-ness (for guys)

Naruto woke that morning with a sense of doom hanging over him so thick that he could almost touch it. Unsure of what it was that his sixth sense was trying to warn him about he went about his usual routine of getting ready to go bug Sasuke into sparring with him since neither of them had any missions planned for the day. As he opened up the door to walk outside and begin his day though, even Kyuubi froze in his mind with fear as he noticed the date on the wall calendar. The reason for his feeling of Impending Doom was made clear by the bold red circle around the current week. Hell Week had officially started. 

Every male in Konoha, from the time he started at the academy, knew to remember, and fear, Hell Week. They had protocols for how to handle the situation, set up at the end of the previous Week; a strategic retreat into the Forest of Death was on the agenda for this month, as soon as possible, as quietly as possible. For a ninja it was usually pretty easy but there was a standing rule that any man left behind was on his own. It was the one time even Kakashi would leave a fellow ninja behind, not even the great Copy-nin wanted to risk getting caught during Hell Week. 

Dashing back to his bedroom he jerked open his closet door and grabbed his emergency supplies that where already bundled up waiting for a situation like this. Flinging on his backpack he bolted for the door, mind abuzz with escape routes and places to avoid on his way to the forest. Ducking his head out the door he made sure to check all five ways; left, right, up, down and forward, for an ambush. Hell Week was a vicious and scary thing and he couldn’t afford to be caught by the enemy now. He hadn’t been caught yet and Sasuke would never let him live it down if he failed to escape. 

Suddenly a horrifying thought popped into Narutos’ panic filled mind. Did Sasuke even know what today was? Had anyone taken the time to let him know after they had gotten him back from Orochimaru? 'Every man for himself' rules or not, he couldn’t let Sasuke be captured. There was no telling what those monsters would do if they trapped the Uchiha within their clutches, the best he would be able to hope for was a swift death. Naruto shuddered to even imagine it. Sasuke was a bastard sure, but he was his bastard and there was no way in hell he would let his bastard go through that. Nuh uh, no way, not going to happen.

Seeing that the coast was clear, Naruto hurriedly locked his door and, pushing his speed to its maximum levels, jumped across the rooftops in the direction of Sasuke’s house, automatically waving to the other men he passed as they tried to make it to the forest before the sun rose and the day officially started. He mentally checked the names of the ninja he passed off of his list of people that especially needed to get out of dodge, breathing a sigh of relief when he saw Chouji carrying a still sleeping Shikamaru piggyback style to safety. Those two defiantly needed to be out of town.

He smiled when he reached Sasuke’s house and his internal clock informed him that he still had a half hour before dawn, long enough to grab Sasuke and be out of sight when they came back to life. Hopefully.

Slipping skillfully and silently past Sasuke’s traps, Naruto was feeling pretty good about himself. And, he would later recall, that might have had something to do with what happened when he went to wake Sasuke up. Somehow, in the mix of self-satisfaction and lingering gut-wrenching terror that always accompanied Hell Week, he had managed to forget that Sasuke had just spent three years in enemy territory and might not appreciate being abruptly woken up while it was still dark outside. He was reminded rather forcefully of this key fact however when, after reaching out to shake Sasuke awake, he found himself laying on the floor with a half-naked, and half-asleep, team mate holding a kunai against his throat.

Naruto held completely still until he saw awareness and recognition seep into Sasuke’s eyes and knew he was completely awake. “The hell, dobe? What are you doing in my room at-” He looked at his alarm clock and growled. “-four thirty in the morning?” Naruto pushed him off and stood quickly.

“Come on, we’ve got to hurry.” Naruto grabbed Sasuke’s hand and pulled him to his feet, already making a mental list of what they needed to get before they left. Food, clothes, weapons; the usual mission kit, and maybe a book or something. 

His inner musings were interrupted by Sasuke’s snort. “What the hell are you babbling about this time? Hurry where?”

“No time to explain, but we have to go now. They’re coming after you for sure, Teme.” Naruto went to the closet and pulled out Sasuke’s knapsack, which he then started throwing clothes into. Since he wasn’t looking at Sasuke he failed to see the already pale teen turn a sickly shade of white.

Seeing Naruto so worried, Sasuke’s already slightly paranoid mind jumped to his biggest hidden fear. That Tsunade and the council had decided that he was too much of a threat to keep around. “ANBU.” He breathed softly, too quiet for even Naruto’s sensitive hearing to pick up. At least Naruto had come to warn him, but wait, they would know that he’d been tipped off when they showed up and he wasn’t there. Naruto was now an accomplice.

Sasuke knew that alone, either of the team seven boys could take on a few, or more, ANBU members and win and if they worked together they could probably make it out of Konoha easily before the sun rose. Now all that was left was to convince Naruto to leave behind everything and everyone he cared about, including his dream of being Hokage, missing nins couldn’t rule villages after all.

All of this flashed through Sasuke’s mind in a heartbeat and he hurried (without looking like he was hurrying of course.) to help Naruto pack. No telling what the idiot would pack for food, he didn’t fancy living off of ramen for however long it took them to find a place to lay low.

“Dob-Naruto?” Sasuke asked quietly, his face hidden by his bangs. Naruto paused in the act of shoving a pair of underwear into the knapsack and raised an eyebrow in enquiry. The tone in Sasuke’s voice immediately catching his attention, Sasuke never sounded hesitant, and very rarely called him by his name.

“Yeah?”

“Would – would you come with me?” I don’t want to be alone again he added mentally, hoping Naruto would say yes but afraid he would say no.

“Well duh.” Naruto huffed and finished shoving the tighty-whities into the bag. “Why else do you think I would come to get you? I’m sure as hell not gonna stick around here. Especially once they figure out I told you to go.” He could all too easily imagine what They would do to him if they caught him at Sasukes’ and with no Sasuke in sight.

*Shudder.*

Sasuke’s eyes widened in surprise at Naruto’s quick agreement and if Naruto had been looking he would have seen the small smile that crossed the other’s face. “Thanks.” He whispered and went to pack enough food for two.

In record time they were done packing and speeding along the rooftops toward the Forest of Death, Sasuke following Naruto’s lead unquestioningly for once since Naruto seamed to have their entire escape route planned out. Out of the corner of his eye Sasuke spotted movement and whipped his head around to see Kakashi running parallel with them on the next block over. He tensed up and prepared himself to fight his old teacher when he saw Naruto wave to the older ninja and Kakashi waved back. 

‘That’s odd. Maybe I got it wrong and it’s not ANBU that we’re running from. What else could Naruto possibly be this worried about?’ Sasuke was just about to ask Naruto what was going on when he caught sight of dozens of men and boys ranging from about eight years old to pushing retirement age running as quickly as they could toward the Forest. The mid-range group of ninja were carrying the younger ones for a faster getaway. Now he was really confused, but figured that Naruto would explain it all when they got to where they were going. He’d better anyway.

Just before they reached the forest they were passed by a white and red blur that shot off into the distance and was quickly lost amongst the trees.

“Was that…?” Sasuke asked.

“Yep, that was Jiraiya all right. He’s gotta get even farther away than the rest of us do. Last month he hid out in Water country, I think he was planning on Sand this time.” Naruto answered, speaking in hushed tones and never once slowing down.

Once in the trees the ninja not carrying younger boys started to quickly lay down trip wires and traps, nothing lethal, just distracting and as a group there was an almost palpable relaxation at reaching the trees. This only peaked Sasuke’s curiosity more. What in the world was going on here? 

None of the fleeing ninja stopped their forward progress though, no matter how many traps they laid. There was still no talking and Sasuke was getting rather impatient for an explanation. He was almost ready to beat one out of Naruto if need be when they reached the center of the Forest at the same time as the sun rose enough to shine down on Konoha, bathing it in light and starting the day. 

Fear unlike any he had ever felt before engulfed Sasuke at the absolute tsunami of killing intent that poured out of Konoha. He was crouched on the ground, a kunai in each hand and the sharingan activated before he was even aware that he had moved. Looking around him he saw the other ninja old enough to have the same instincts had reacted in a similar manner. Some of the younger boys, like good little ninja babies, had dove for whatever cover they could find and were currently peeking out of root wads and from under bushes. When no threat showed itself though, the gathered males slowly came out of their defensive positions and hiding spots. 

For the next hour the killing intent rose to an almost palpable level before leveling off and staying there, never fluctuating much. None of the males relaxed very much, they went about their business of setting up a movable (if necessary) camp and settled in for the duration. After following along and setting up his tent, Sasuke went to hunt down Naruto for some long overdue explanations. He found the elusive blond high in a tree, overlooking the forest and far off in the distance, Konoha.

“Alright Dobe, I want to know what is going on here. What was that killing intent from the village? And why are only men out here?” He looked piercingly at Naruto. “Is Sakura going to be ok with whatever is in the village?” Sasuke started to get angry when Naruto only laughed in chagrin. 

“Sakura was part of what was in the village. A big part actually.” He shook his head to stop Sasuke from interrupting. “You wouldn’t know any of this and Kakashi filled me in about it when I got back from my training with Jariya.” He blushed a bit and looked uneasy. “Did you know that when women are around each other a lot their…um…biological clocks…uh synchronize?” Naruto was red from his neck all the way to the tips of his ears by now. 

“What? What are you talking about?” Sasuke said, frustrated that Naruto wouldn’t just come out and say it. 

Naruto growled low in his throat in irritation. “When they’re around other girls a lot they go on the rag at the same time. Geeze Sasuke.”

“Oh.” Now he was blushing too. 

“So, anyway, I guess about a year ago old lady Tsunade was spending a whole bunch of time with a bunch of different groups of ladies and ended up having her ‘time of the month’ all month long, and she got pissed.” Naruto’s blush was fading and his face was taking on a half-amused, half-scared look. “She got together with a couple of other lady medic-nins that were having the same problem and they somehow found a way to make it so that all the females in Konoha could condense a weeks worth of bleeding and cramping and whatnot into one day.” Both of the boys shuddered at the…ookie-ness of their topic. Girlie problems were a taboo subject for a reason. They were gross! “The bad part is, for us anyway, that the emotional and psycho part of their PMS lasts for a week. One solid week. ” He turned haunted eyes to Sasuke. “They’re nuts. Absolutely insane, and Tsunade made the pill or patch or whatever it is that she made available to all of the women in the village. They love it and all do it, so at the same time every month they all get like this and we come out here to hide.” 

“But why are we hiding from women, surely we’re strong enough to outlast anything they can throw at us.” Sasuke sniffed, thinking that Naruto was just being a wuss before the killing intent still seeping from the village pushed against his awareness again. 

Naruto was looking at Sasuke like he was an idiot. “I’ve got three words for you; Tsunade and Sakura. Do you want to go up against either of them when they are pissed at the world, and you especially because you happened to be born male? I know I sure as shit don’t! Hell, Sakura, Ino and the rest of your old fanclub are still mad at you for leaving. I didn’t think you would want to be caught by them when they woke up.” 

Sasuke thought about that, he’d seen first hand what Sakura could do when she was serious about hurting something and he shuddered when he realized how close of a call he’d had. He wouldn’t say it out loud but Naruto could see the gratitude in his eyes before they both turned to look out at the village. Watching as the occasional poof of dust would rise above the treetops.

“So, why was Jiraiya going to Sand instead of coming with the rest of us here?” Sasuke asked after a couple of minutes of silence. 

Naruto chuckled evilly for a moment. “The more you piss them off during the rest of the month, the more they want your blood during Hell Week.” He smiled wickedly at Sasuke. “Ero-sanin was dumb enough to try and peep on them in the baths during Hell Week the first month we were back. Tsunade caught him.” 

“Oh.” Sasuke said weakly. “Ouch.”

“Yeah, ouch. She nearly killed him that time and every month after that he’s gone off to some other village, always rotating them incase she tries to track him down. Most of the other villages know by now that he’s going to show up eventually.” 

“If the other villages know about this, what’s to stop them from attacking when three quarters of the ninja population is out of the village?” Sasuke asked, still trying to take all of it in.

“Would you want to willingly go into that?” Naruto nodded his head toward the almost visual killing intent. Sasuke thought about it for a moment and could all too easily visualize what the women of the village would do to any attackers. Not too surprisingly, pliers and lye came to mind. 

He shuddered. “Ah, no. I think I’d have to pass.”

“Thought so.” 

\-- Suna – Three days later -- 

“Why are you here Sanin?” Gaara asked the sweaty, tired old man as Jariya limped towards the town. 

“Hell Week.” Was all that needed said. 

“Ah. Same rules as last time. No peeping on the women and I won’t have to kill you.” Gaara nodded at Suna’s gates. “You’ll be in the same room as before.” With that he turned to look back out across the desert, leaving Naruto’s teacher to fend for himself. 

The End

**Author's Note:**

> Welp, there’s my first Naruto fanfic! Sorry about the squicky content (for guys) but one of my cousins and I got to talking about how scary Tsunade and Sakura would be PMS-ing and this kinda morphed from that conversation.


End file.
